Chronic Pain: Unseen and Unforgiving

"A few years ago, a colleague of mine who is a mental health therapist, introduced me to the spoon theory. Spoon theory was coined by Christine Miserandino, a writer, explaining how her experience with an autoimmune condition affects her daily life. Spoons represent units of energy that people can spend on tasks that take physical or mental energy throughout the day. From getting dressed, responding to a text message, to taking out the trash, the amount of spoons it takes to complete these tasks vary from person to person. 

I never thought that I would have to consider my amount of spoons on a daily basis until a few years ago when I started having severe pains in my arms at the end of my master’s program. I chalked up the pain to too much typing since I worked a full time desk job at the time and was taking classes at night. Unfortunately, the pain only worsened after I graduated. After being given differing diagnoses by different providers over the years including gout, tendinitis, and carpal tunnel syndrome, I finally got my foot in the door to see a rheumatologist. 

At 31 years old I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (RA). RA is an autoimmune disorder that causes chronic inflammation and painful swelling around the joints. While you can typically see the swelling, RA is not something that you would think I have just by looking at me but it has shown up in ugly ways in my daily life. I can’t count the times I’ve sat on the edge of my bed sobbing because I can’t put my shirt on since my wrist or shoulder is inflamed, the amount of tears I’ve shed standing under hot water because lifting my leg to get in and out of the shower is excruciating, or the amount of sleepless nights caused by the slightest touch of the blanket touching my swollen ankle causing a shooting pain up my leg. 

Living with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) has been a real challenge, and there are days when it feels like I’m fighting a battle with my own body. It’s a strange and painful kind of betrayal when your own physical self doesn’t cooperate, and it takes a toll not just on my body, but on my mental well-being too. It’s hard to walk around trying to look “normal” when your body feels like it’s on fire, it can certainly feel rather lonely. People can’t see the fatigue or the pain.

I am grateful that I’ve been able to get a proper diagnosis and it didn’t take too many different medications to find the right regimen for me but it was not an easy journey and pain management is part of life now.  My days start with a limited number of spoons and I have to carefully choose how to use them. Thankfully, I can gain a spoon or two by taking time to rest, doing something I enjoy like reading or playing a video game, or just watching a movie on the couch with a friend. 

There are days when my spoons are gone, I’m left feeling drained and defeated but I’ve learned that it’s okay to talk about it, to cry it out, and to lean on my support system. I’ve learned the importance of prioritizing my mental and physical health by listening to my body, talking to a therapist, and surrounding myself with empathetic friends who listen and understand. Engaging in small, healthy habits and building connections with those who get it can make such a difference.

If you’re struggling with something similar, please know you’re not alone. Let’s support each other and continue to share our stories." - Anonymous.